Ok, so this has taken me some time. Just like millions of people around the world I myself struggle with the acceptance part of the whole mindful living idea. So I wanted to make sure I had enough time to sit on this and reflect before writing anything.
After lots of research and many hours of reflecting I realized that I do not agree with the most common meaning for the term "Acceptance":
"Acceptance in human psychology is a person's assent to the reality of a situation, recognizing a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it, protest."
The reason why I came to that realization is due to the fact that yes, I should accept the things I cannot change or that I do not have any control over, however, I do not believe that I should resign myself to those facts/situations that can and that maybe should be changed.
I am not a religious person and I am not a former alcoholic but every time I reflect on acceptance the first thing that comes to mind is the Christian Serenity Prayer:
By taking just the first part of the prayer you can already see that acceptance is much more than just resigning yourself to a fact/situation. Acceptance is the second step to change, the first being Awareness.
"Acceptance does not mean that we agree with what is happening or that we believe it must continue. Acceptance means that we are able to gaze into the face of the present and say, “You are in front of me, and I acknowledge you are here.” Leonard W. Noel @ The Meaning of Acceptance - Part 1
Acceptance means that you are aware, you recognize and you acknowledge the truth that lies in the present moment without trying to pull from it or judge it. You simply take it as it is and then you pause in the midst of it and make the intention to how you will respond to it.
“Many people think that self-acceptance means celebrating what’s there already: that you’re good enough, that you don’t have to make any changes. That’s not the case at all. Acceptance means accepting the fact that you’re responsible for a lot of your experience right now. You can’t blame anybody else. And ultimately that’s a good thing. If other people were ultimately responsible for shaping your experience, what could you do? You’d have to go around pleasing them all the time. But the key fact is that you’re shaping your pleasures and pains here in the present moment. Some of your experience comes from past actions, but a lot comes from the way you shape things with each present intention.” - Thanissaro Bhikkhu @ Reality Poses No Danger
So how is that we accept with the intention to change?
According to Tara Brach, we first need to learn how to pause and how to just be present in the moment. By allowing our bodies and minds to pause we are then able to find awareness and by doing so we are able to notice and acknowledge what is happening inside us ; we then allow our emotions to come to surface without judging them and without fearing them.
“Learning to pause is the first step in the practice of Radical Acceptance. A pause is a suspension of activity, a time of temporary disengagement when we are no longer moving toward any goal. . . . The pause can occur in the midst of almost any activity and can last for an instant, for hours or for seasons of our life. . . . We may pause in the midst of meditation to let go of thoughts and reawaken our attention to the breath. We may pause by stepping out of daily life to go on a retreat or to spend time in nature or to take a sabbatical. . . . You might try it now: Stop reading and sit there, doing "no thing," and simply notice what you are experiencing.” - Tara Brach @ Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha
One of the struggles many people face (including myself!) while trying to learn and practice mindfulness is knowing that the process for achieving that is not always pretty or pleasant, in fact, it can be one of the biggest challenges in someone's life. Let's face it, sitting quietly and allowing all of your deep emotions to come out is not the easiest thing to do and it can not only make us uncomfortable but it can also cause us fear at times.
"By paying attention to memories, we tap the related emotions and feelings that are locked in the body. Once the psyche is open to what the body holds, the only way to face those feelings wisely and successfully, and in a way that leads to deep healing, is to be able to stay present with the pain when it arises. This can be very difficult, especially when the habit of recoiling or hiding from intense and unpleasant sensations is deeply entrenched. In my work with clients, this is where I see the tremendous value of meditation practices in training the mind." - Tara Brach @ Healing our Wounds: Returning Home to our Body
While writing all this I think not only about myself but about my husband. He's had a very hard life where in the past he lost everyone and everything to alcoholism. He hasn't drank in years now and he has been able to rebuild his life, his career and most of his relationships but that does not mean he has forgotten all those memories, feelings and emotions; for years he would tell me that "past emotions and experiences are like a bag of bricks and that at some point the load becomes too heavy to carry around so you just have to sit the bag down, forget about it and move on". Every time we would have such conversation I tried explaining him that you cannot only put your emotions, feelings and past experiences aside simply because they are what make you who you are today, therefore, you should recognize, face them and deal with them so that you are able to make the necessary changes and decisions to be open enough to be able to really move on with your life.
Well, it was not until he had to face his own demons that he's realized the importance of looking back into his own emotions, feelings and past experiences. A few months have passed since his breakdown and since then he has became a very different person. By learning to be open to himself he has now been able to be more open to me and to others; he has became much more attentive and more compassionate towards himself and towards those around him. I know he still has long ways to go and that he won't ever be perfect because none of us will ever be perfect in somebody else's eyes but watching him makes me understand the importance of awareness and acceptance when seeking not only change but freedom and peace of mind; it gives me the strength to face my own demons so that maybe one day I am able to find the freedom he has started to find for himself.
We are all built the same way. Our stories are what make us who we are; our bodies, our personalities, our moods and thoughts are all built during the early stages of our lives. Some of those experiences and emotions are then suppressed by the time we reach adulthood either because they are too difficult to deal with or because they just don't seem fit to the kind of life we believe we should have. What we don't realize though, is that by suppressing past experiences and emotions we are shutting ourselves out and that in itself not only causes us to be stuck in the past but it also causes us to fear the new, therefore, making us resistant to the changes life so often imposes to us. How can you change when you fear the change? How can you be open to change when you are not completely open to yourself?
“Clearly recognizing what is happening inside us, and regarding what we see with an open, kind and loving heart, is what I call Radical Acceptance. If we are holding back from any part of our experience, if our heart shuts out any part of who we are and what we feel, we are fueling the fears and feelings of separation that sustain the trance of unworthiness. Radical Acceptance directly dismantles the very foundations of this trance.” - Tara Brach @ Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha
Acceptance is not and easy process and it will not happen overnight but it is not impossible. I truly believe that only once acceptance is found is that one will be able to experience a sense of complete freedom. By accepting who we are and how we feel we are then free to develop "tools" such as compassion and find ways to consciously change the facts/situations that can be changed. We learn to live life in the present moment and we learn to look at things as they are before we react to them or make any decisions.
“There is something wonderfully bold and liberating about saying yes to our entire imperfect and messy life.” - Tara Brach @ Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With The Heart Of A Buddha
No comments:
Post a Comment